Saturday, January 14, 2012

Kat's Korner: Adam Levine itches for one on the flip side

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Kat: If Adam Levine wants to have anal sex, who am I to look askance? I mean, in the second half of eleventh grade, that's all I had. Ronnie was worried about pregnancies and would only have anal sex. He went off to college and ended up a father-to-be in his first semester so obviously he had more than anal with other women --

But I'm getting ahead of myself. "Kat's Korner: 2011 in music" went up at the end of last month and, as usual, there were kisses and hisses in the e-mails. That's more than fine. I'm sharing my opinion, you share your own. Some of the rudest e-mails make me laugh the hardest and I never take it seriously.

There were 140 or so e-mails on Maroon Five and Adam Levine objecting to this section:

8) Rob Crow's He Thinks He's People. Pinback's Crow goes solo again. It's a mystical ride and it's easy to think he's at his best this album when he's pursuing a gentler sound like in "Tranked." But then comes "I'd Like To Be There" and you're left with the reality that Crow should be dominating the airwaves. He's not and he didn't. Nor did Alexander O'Neal. And that says a great deal about masculinity and manhood in 2011. "Where are the men?" should have been the radio cry. There are a lot of little boys singing wimping little love ditties or offering raps that succeed at clever while failing in every other way. But where are the men? Maroon Five scores (with a super-strong assist from Christina Aguilera) as it finds the male lead singer (Adam Levine) proclaiming he's "got the moves like Jagger" yet the video really depends upon a series of women demonstrating those dance moves and on Christina to get down and dirty and supply the raunch and roll vocally. In fact, whether it's singing "take my by the tongue" with real authority or the ability to get out in front of the band, it's repeatedly Christina who pulls off that trick. What does that say about Maroon 5 when their lead singer's tinny vocals barely register and never manage to soar above the music?

Now some of the objections were people insisting that Adam's vocals weren't tinny to them. And fine on that. But some were telling me this was an amazing song and a deeply sexual one and asking if I was being prudish?


I exchanged e-mails, noting I'd had anal sex as early as high school (and since) so I wasn't a prude. I just wasn't impressed with the song and felt if it had included clarity (his wanting a woman to perform anal sex on him or his wanting a man to do it), I might have been more impressed but, to me, the whole thing seemed a little tongue in (ass) cheek.

Repeatedly the reply was a stunned "Huh?" making me fear for the country's comprehension level -- would Three's Company need to footnote their double entendre to get laughs today?

As a nation, are we becoming sexually illiterate?

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It's right there in the lyric which practically reads like "Hymn of the Power Bottom:"

So get in the car
We can ride it
Wherever you want
Get inside it
And you want to steer
But I'm shifting gears
I'll take it from here (Oh! Yeah yeah!)
And it goes like this (Uh)

In 1985, Natalie Cole thought she was being naughty with "Your Car (My Garage)" off her overlooked Modern Records release Dangerous. The whole point of that song was that the cheating boyfriend's 'car' (penis) had been all over town and he couldn't park it in her 'garage' (vagina) because she paid the monthly 'rent' (periods).

Adam is singing "get into the car," children, that would be his ass. "We can ride it." "Get inside it."

What do you think the song means?

And why and whose "gear" is he intent on grabbing?

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We all knew, from the start, that it was a song about sex, right?

"Moves like Jagger"?

Jagger being Mick Jagger, known as a 'swordsman' of many decades.

We were all on the same page, right?

Apparently not.

Some insisted it was just a song about the joy of dancing.

Granted, I haven't square danced since 7th grade gym class, but I'm not remembering "Take me by the tongue" -- a la "Take your partner by the tongue!" -- as a directive.

It's fairly obvious that the song is about sex.

And Adam (or whichever co-writer of the song) may be in search of a gal with a strap on or a guy to do the drilling. The song's vague -- or limp -- on that part. But it's 2012 and Mick and the Stones were doing a lot more, many decades ago. Or have we all forgotten "When The Whip Comes Down?"

Lesson of the song, we can disagree and I have no problem with that. But don't ask me why we disagree if you can't handle the answer. One e-mailer ended her exchange with, "Adam Levine is the sexiest male in music and I thought you'd at least give him points for that." Hey, music's all about the hormones, no question. And Adam is a sexy looking guy -- though I preferred him before he started shaving his chest. Judging by the song, his music persona's is a bit more complicated than missionary position, but since when is that a bad thing? Maybe next time he'll be more frank? Because, as we all learned in high school, no one likes a tease.

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(For Emily, who wrote about how sexy Adam was, I'm including the screen snaps from the video. And while I did prefer him with a bit of chest fur, he is a very sexy man, yes.)