Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Portable Sowell: The Imprudence and Stupidity of an 'Analyst'



DC, USA! USA! USA! -  Decemeber 24, 2013 -  With Christmas Eve day upon us, the wonderful folks at Imperial Press have rushed out a lovely, trash bag bound volume The Portable Sowell: The Imprudence and Stupidity of an 'Analyst.'

In the blood soaked pages, you'll find 'political risk analyst' Kirk Sowell's various pleas for more violence, a call to prevent world peace and the hopes that everyone, in every part of the world, can experience at least shootings, if not bombings, first-hand

Here you'll find the war lust of an impotent man who never served in a military but wants to use them, to deploy them, wants to talk like he's one of them.

"I wanted to be in the military," says Sowell, "and the killing didn't bother me.  In fact, thinking of killing someone makes me want to rub a quick one out.  But I have a very small penis.  Some call it a 'button' or a 'nub.'  And the thought of showering with other men and knowing they might judge me by my minuscule junk meant I couldn't serve.  It's like an injury or a wound. "

But, as an arm chair warrior, fully clothed, or at least semi, Sowell could serve -- provided the chair came with arm rests and that they were padded.  It does and so he does.

But if all they do is play defense, they'll never win. No alternative but offense as well as better defense.

As an arm chair warrior, Sowell is able to reduce Nouri al-Maliki's slaughter of Iraq to a game and treat Nouri's attacks on peaceful protesters engaging in a sit-in as 'heroic.'

"It really is," Sowell said as he stuffed his crotch to prepare for a book promo event.  "It takes a lot of courage to use the tanks, helicopters and bullets the US government gives you on bunch of people who are unarmed.  Do I have a bulge yet?  Does it look like I'm packing?"

No, it's a smooth, bulgeless, non-package.

And as smooth as Sowell is in the crotch area, he's even smoother in the 'analysis.'

  • It may be bittersweet, but Iraqis should take pride in seeing their officers die on the offensive instead of by a suicide bomber.

  • "Some fools would like to end violence," Sowell explained as he took a break from ordering a penis pump online.  "But if violence ends, what would I have to cheer on?  So we must not promote the idea that 'pride' would be ending violence.  We must promote continued violence.  Nouri's actions will breed violence.  Hell, I wish he'd breed me!  I'd drop to all fours for him in an instant!"

    Read with glee and one free hand as Sowell takes the April 23rd massacre of a peaceful sit-in in Hawija  by Nouri's forces and turns it and the 53 who died into jerk-off material.  Blow your wad as you reach his chuckles over UNICEF noting that the dead included 8 children (twelve more were injured).

    The Portable Sowell: The Imprudence and Stupidity of an 'Analyst' makes the perfect gift  for those men and women on your holiday shopping list who feel Dick Cheney was too dove-ish and that "Bomb-bomb-bomb-Bomb Iran" is a catchy tune appropriate at all events and church services.

    And in the season's spirit of giving, for every 1,000 books sold, one penny will go towards the Win With War crowd-sourcing effort to promote war on Syria.

    Order now.  Supplies aren't limited but Sowell's days outside of a padded cell may be.


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