Saturday, March 05, 2005

Call the cops: Jeff Gannon's trying to solicit Maureen Dowd! BuzzFlash awards Bill Keller 'The Hypocrite of the Week' and Kara reports from backstage

Jeff Gannon, alleged male escort to other men and alleged reporter, appears to be branching out judging from Ms. Musing's recent report:

At 3:50 p.m. on March 2, Jeff Gannon -- a man on a mission no one quite gets -- wrote the following on his blog:
Tom Bevan has an great piece at Real Clear Politics, PLAYING HARDBALL WITH MAUREEN DOWD, in which he makes some good points about this gal who probably needs a bit of the old Jeff Gannon to relieve some of that pent up whatever.

Not having checked out his online nudies, maybe I'm missing some point here. But Dowd needs
the services of an allegedly gay male escort?

Now we realize times are hard for everyone but especially for those who've lost their paycheck and run the risk of a vice raid at any minute, so we do admire Gannon's efforts to build on his apparent sole source of income by branching out from strictly male-on-male to male-on-female
(hey, Jeff, we think a certain senator might pay for some male-on-dog). However, we do have to wonder if so public an attempt at solicitation isn't pushing the envelope a little far even for someone who's reportedly flashed . . . well everything that is flashable.

Maybe our friend Ron at Why Are We Back in Iraq can help us out, but we're not aware of Gannon living in Nevada or any region where prostitution is legal. And maybe someone who's visited the alleged online solicitation sites of Gannon's can tell us if he's a "safety boy." If he isn't practicing safe sex, shouldn't the CDC be shutting his presumably thriving business down?

Let's hope Dowd has a worthy response to Gannon's attempt to cast himself as Vivian in Pretty Woman. We'd prefer something along the lines of Dowd's response to Zell Miller's challenge to a duel: "Senator, pistols or swords."

In other Times news, BuzzFlash has chosen executive editor Bill Keller for their GOP Hypocrite of the Week. As a site that so often notes the Times, we'd be remiss not to note Keller's award.
The competition was, as always, intense. But Keller's performance convinced the BuzzFlash academy that he had the goods.

We turn now to Common Ills community member Kara who reports from backstage at the awards ceremony. Kara?

Kara: Billy Keller was beaming broader than Hillary Swank and tearing up more mechanically than Jamie Fox! This was his moment and he knew he'd earned it. Thankfully, he was smart enough to avoid the lemon merangue colors that sunk Cate Blanchett's big moment last Sunday!
His acceptance speech brought to mind Hillary Swank as he listed so many "friends" who'd helped and supported him. After listing the names of Dexter Filkins, Karl Rove, Elisabeth Bumiller ("or as I like to call her, Mrs. Rove!"), Juan Forero, "Danny my main dude" Okrent and "little Davey Sanger" -- loved the personalized touches, Bill! -- Keller wiped away yet another tear, grinned and shook that head proudly.
He was wearing his hair upswept which was a good choice considering his lack of bone structure! Whomever got him ready for this big night knew what they were doing. His diamond jewelry was reportedly on loan from one of Pat Roberston's diamond mines in the Congo!
He also wisely wore an outfit that was vintage Joan Crawford -- with his hips, he really needed extended shoulder pads to balance him out.
As Keller profusely thanked the Bully Boy ("couldn't have done it without my buddy George!") the audience grew restless and the orchestra began playing. Throwing his head back and his hands into the air, Keller gushed, "Wait! Wait! Let me finish! I haven't yet thanked Judy Miller!"
Such an omission would have been a travesty because despite her constant shilling, Miller has been repeatedly snubbed by the adcademy. Keller's three minutes on Miller (highlighting just a few of her more noted moments) now lays the ground work for the Times to potentially sweep the BuzzFlash GOP Hypocrite of the Week Awards two weeks running!
Backstage, Miller tossed down her cigarette, ground it out on the floor repeatedly with the stilleto heel of her Jimmy Choos and began working on an acceptance speech. As Judy paced back and forth, she toyed with lines like "You hate me, you really hate me!" and "I was proved f**king right!"
Miller, like Keller, wore a USA flag over her right breast and a minature bust of the Bully Boy over her left. Around one wrist she wore a yellow braclet enscribed with the words: "F**k the people, piss on the readers, we're the godd*mn Times!"
Keller wore a similar braclet, but his had hearts dotting the "i"s.
After he'd posed for photographers with his award for five minutes, this reporter pulled him aside.
Kara: Congratulation, Billy! You really earned this award!

Keller: I still can't believe it! You like to think someone will recognize all your efforts, all your hard work, but you never really expect it! It's a honor just to be nominated, of course, but at the Times we're whores for any prize!

Kara: What does the award mean for you personally?

Keller: (chuckling) It means come Monday morning, I kick down Artie's door [Times publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger] and tell him it's time to pony up with the big bucks! And I've got a list of riders that he better go along with. I've already got a free subscription to The Weekly Standard, but now I want The National Review, The American Spectator and an autographed copy of Bill O'Reilly's -- hey, is that US Weekly? (calling out) Guys, guys, I'm over here!

Kara: The braclet, you and Judy are both wearing it tonight?

Keller: Yes, this is put out by Rupert Murdoch's Limitations on the First Amendment Committee, formerly United Press Liars. Each braclet purchased provides monies that will be used to round up the sillys who insist upon attempting to inform the public and send them to Guantanamo Bay. Last week alone, we raised enough money to ship off Sy Hersh and Amy Goodman! There aren't a lot of causes I have time to get behind because, obviously, I'm so busy doing public relations for the administration. But this cause was one that was near and dear to my heart so I told myself, "Hey, girl, Sharon Stone and Liz Taylor do charity work, you should too!" It meant passing on the opportunity to go in the studio with John Ashcroft and work on a duet album, but I really believe in the cause.

Kara: You've got your own fragrance coming out next month.

Keller: Yes, it's called Piss on the People.

onlookers: (calling out) Open the shoulders, Billy! Open the shoulders!

Keller: (posing for photographers) Piss on the People boils down the essence of what I think the press should be: Piss on the People, repeat the administration's version of events and always trade truth for access. You can call it "pee pee" for short. And be sure to tell your readers that I sniffed each sample before putting my name on it.

Kara: There you have it. Back to you.

That was Kara reporting from the awards ceremony of the BuzzFlash GOP Hypocrite of the Week Awards. Though we'll continue to pull for Judith Miller, we really won't quibble about the voters picking Bill Keller. He's earned his moment in the spotlight.