The Common Ills: So many more TV shows to be turned into bad movies

Sunday, February 28, 2016

So many more TV shows to be turned into bad movies

It started with Stan's "The Rock, Zac Ephron and Goldie Hawn," specifically this section:

I like The Rock.
Dwayne Johnson's turned out to be a strong film performer.
TOOTH FAIRY is a favorite film of mine, I'm not joking.
And I love a lot of his other films.
I'm not a fan or a foe of Zac Ephron.
But the two are teaming up and my big question here is "why?"
I'm assuming they'll work well together.
But why work together on a film of BAYWATCH?
It was a piece of crap TV show. So bad it got cancelled, remember?
And only lived on in new episodes in syndication.
What is the reason to make a film out of that?
Are they going to mock it?
Send it up?
Okay but that's still sort of lame.
I just don't get it.

It became the topic for a theme post as everyone wondered what TV show could next be a bad movie?

Ruth's "Kojack: The Movie:"

KOJACK: THE MOVIE would continue Hollywood's desire to turn really lame TV shows into films.

It would also provide Patrick Stewart with a starring role.

In the film, the plot would revolve around some French jewel thieves and drug smugglers who also build bombs on the side.

Willem Dafoe would star as the main bad guy.

Patrick Stewart's young partner would be played by Justin Timberlake.

To add a love angle, Dakota Fanning would be cast as Patrick Stewart's girlfriend.

No, no one would ever comment -- in the film -- on the vast age difference.

Three weeks after the film bombs at the box office, VARIETY will announce that they're doing a reboot and recasting the main role with Vin Diesel.

Rebecca's "trapper john m.d:"

afraid there are no more pointless t.v. shows to turn into films?

time to go with 'trapper john m.d.'

1 of the all time boring shows.

for a plot you have some medical emergency: susan sarandon is prepared to have her tonsils taken out when trapper discovers that she also has an issue with a balloon in her belly - containing drugs from a trip to mexico where she was unknowingly used as a drug mule.

antonio banderas co-stars as the mexican drug runner determined to get the drugs back even if he has to kill susan and trapper.

trapper is played by russell crowe so he can deliver a lot of sanctimonious speeches.

kellen lutz has the gregory harrison role which means he mainly walks around in briefs or is caught in the shower.

every now and then he scrubs up for surgery.

Mike's "BJ and the Bear:"

Afraid Hollywood's running out of bad TV shows to turn into films?

Fear not, they've still got BJ and the Bear.

Cam Gigandet poses and preens in the title role as truck driver BJ.

Tom Selleck voices the role of the Bear.

The Bear is the monkey that BJ travels with.

In the film, instead of using a real monkey, they go with an animitronic (sp?) monkey -- the way they did Scooby in the two live action films about Scooby Doo.

BJ and the Bear's special relationship on the long road trips is alluded to but not really explored until, at a truck stop, Bear wanders into the men's room and discovers Cam on all fours stuffed at both ends with a crowd of men cheering him on.

After that, the film plays like the last ten minutes of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN but with Willie Nelson singing "On The Road Again."

Betty's "Holmes & Yo-Yo:"

As Hollywood searches for more bad TV shows to turn into hideous movies, they should next go with HOLMES & YO-YO.

In this film of the 70s TV show, an often half-dressed Channing Tatum stars as a detective who's assigned a new partner -- the robot Yo-Yo played by Jonah Hill.

Over the course of the film, Channing learns to open up emotionally and not just physically while Jonah discovers sometimes the real human is a robot.

James Cameron directs to ensure that the last 30 minutes features a lot of explosions and gun fire.

Kat's "Supertrain:"

SUPERTRAIN was a really bad 70s TV show.

Fred Silverman was supposed to rescue in the toilet NBC.

This did not rescue the network.

But it should be the next bad TV show to be turned into a really bad film.

You could have a series of big names in minor roles as various passengers.

Anne Archer, Fred Ward, Celine Dion, etc could be the passengers with minor storylines.

Julia Roberts could play the passenger who has scientific knowledge.

That knowledge is needed when the main character responsible for the train -- Chris Pine -- learns the villain (Jon Voight) has disabled the brakes on the train and it will now crash.

Sounds like 100 other films you've already seen?

Well that pretty much describes everything released in 2015, doesn't it?

Ann's "The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo:"

The next bad TV show that should be turned into a bad movie?

Sheriff Lobo.

I see Gerard Butler as the self-infatuated and crooked Lobo.

Heather Grahm should play his love interest.

Owen Wilson could play his deputy.

But the part we're all interested in?

Who plays the Nell Carter role?

This is the show that shot Nell to fame and allowed her to star in Gimmie' A Break.

Viola Davis could get that role.

The film would be nothing but a series of bad jokes and bad car chase scenes with Owen Wilson running around naked, hands over his junk, around the 70 minute mark.

Stan's "Blansky's Beauties:"

As Hollywood increasingly runs out of TV shows to turn into films, I nominate BLANSKY'S BEAUTIES for the next one to be turned into a bad TV movie.

Glenn Close can star in the lead (played on TV by Nancy Walker). She's over a Las Vegas all female review so Emma Stone, Anne Hathaway, etc can star.

They'll get a few musical numbers.

And Gwyneth Paltrow can show up as the stunt bike rider (Roz Kelly in the first episode of the TV show).

And maybe the movie can explore the tensions between Gwyn and Glenn's characters -- something the TV show avoided.

There's no real plot here but, you saw, STARSKY & HUTCH, these films never have much of a plot.

So this pointless 70s sitcom will be perfect to turn into a bad movie we all quickly forget.

Elaine's "The Man From Atlantis:"

THE MAN FROM ATLANTIS is the next bad TV show that should be made into a film.

It starred Patrick Duffy as a character with super powers like Aquaman.

The reason people watched?

Half naked Patrick in every episode.

People take onscreen disrobing for granted these days but in the 70s it was still a big deal -- to see men anyway.

An episode of the Duke boys (DUKES OF HAZARD) skinny dipping, for example, was considered major water cooler talk for those who admired the male form.

Similarly when Stephany Powers guest starred on THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN and Lee Majors was shown nude with basically a wash cloth over his crotch, that was big talk for days.

So Patrick Duffy in just a swim suit in episode after episode was a show driven by viewer lust.

I see Chris Evans or Hugh Jackman in the lead role.

Marcia's "Love Sidney:"

Worst idea for a movie based on TV show?

How about Love Sidney?

Tom Cruise could star as a bachelor -- who the audience thinks is gay but who (in the 80s TV show) is never specified as gay.

He'd take in a woman and her child -- so it would be like a Jerry McGuire sequel.

The whole thing would be meaningless and, 50 minutes in, the audience would grow restless over the refusal to address Tom's character being gay or to even acknowledge it.

and Trina's "American Girls."

The 70s series American Girls was a short-lived and largely meaningless program.

Due to the rush to turn bad TV into films (The Equalizer, Baywatch), it's my nominee for next at bat.

Cameron Diaz and Viola Davis go around the country in an RV as journalists doing human interest stories when not being kidnapped and sold as sexual slaves.

On CBS in the seventies, that 'plot' was enough for Saturday nights.

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